Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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