Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
