i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize