You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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