Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
