If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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