She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
