just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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