They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
