good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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