If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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