so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
