I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
