I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
