Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
