omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
