I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
