Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
