I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
