my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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