Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
