Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I skipped work to stalk him.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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