WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
