I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
