bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He shit in the fireplace
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
