he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
