I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
