So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
