I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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