Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
