he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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