I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
