yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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