That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
