did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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