Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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