i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize