i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
