It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
