Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
