there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Randomize
