Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
