Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
