My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Life is so much better after having sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
