Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
