Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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