No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
