I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
