This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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