We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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