I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
