I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
