i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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