OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
