Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize