Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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