I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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