i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
