remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
