I cockslap morals
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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