i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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