haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
