Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
